As many of
you know, and for those of you who don’t, our adoption of Isaac has been put on
an indefinite hold. It’s a bit difficult to explain, but it goes a little
something like this: the court system in which Isaac’s adoption will be
finalized has little experience with international adoption, delaying our
initial court date… which is why we were unable to leave for South Africa this
past Friday like we had planned.
It’s been a
weird two weeks – swaying between feelings of hopelessness, confusion, anger, loneliness,
and strangely enough, peace.
Hopeless because
there is absolutely nothing we can do about the situation except to pray. And
while I believe in the power of prayer, there is a part of me – a BIG part of
me - that wishes I had more control. If only there was someone I could call to
rectify everything or maybe even paperwork
to fill out (Lord knows another document would be the least of our concerns –
we’ve mastered the art of proper documentation).
Confusion
because our feeble human minds can’t wrap around the fact that we are stuck
with one foot out of the door. Why can’t the court process this faster? Why can’t
they understand the urgency in getting him home? Why is God making us wait?
Why, why, why? All of the confusion leads to bouts of anger – and I’m not sure
at exactly who or what.
Loneliness. After
3 empty and barren years, another call to “wait” is painful. We enjoyed those
years with each other, our family, and our friends. But there was still a part
of me that yearned and ached for my “own” family to begin. Once our adoption
process started, the loneliness lifted. But now, with a bedroom fully finished,
strollers in the living room, and toys abounding, loneliness has started to
creep in again. With no Isaac to sleep in his crib, no Isaac to push in a
stroller on a walk, and no Isaac to scatter toys everywhere – it just seems
unfair.
But I know
that life isn’t about fairness, nor is it only about me and what I think is
best. Life doesn’t work that way. God doesn’t work that way. I think Rick
Warren says it best: “I don’t have to know why everything
happens since I know God is good, He loves me, and life on earth is not the whole story.”
Despite all
of the earthly reasons why we should be mad with God and at unrest with His
will – we have peace. Though there are days when it seems the darkness
will not lift, my heart is assured that God is always good – He is there with
me in the sunlight and He is with me in the shadows – He has never failed me.
He loves me, He loves Craig, and He loves Isaac. The One who created us will
surely take care of us. We take comfort in the knowledge that God will allow us
to meet at the right time. And as sad as today is, the day we were supposed to
meet our son for the first time, I rejoice in the fact that one day I will
forever get to call this child mine.
