The Waiting Game

As many of you know, and for those of you who don’t, our adoption of Isaac has been put on an indefinite hold. It’s a bit difficult to explain, but it goes a little something like this: the court system in which Isaac’s adoption will be finalized has little experience with international adoption, delaying our initial court date… which is why we were unable to leave for South Africa this past Friday like we had planned.

It’s been a weird two weeks – swaying between feelings of hopelessness, confusion, anger, loneliness, and strangely enough, peace.

Hopeless because there is absolutely nothing we can do about the situation except to pray. And while I believe in the power of prayer, there is a part of me – a BIG part of me - that wishes I had more control. If only there was someone I could call to rectify everything or maybe even paperwork to fill out (Lord knows another document would be the least of our concerns – we’ve mastered the art of proper documentation).

Confusion because our feeble human minds can’t wrap around the fact that we are stuck with one foot out of the door. Why can’t the court process this faster? Why can’t they understand the urgency in getting him home? Why is God making us wait? Why, why, why? All of the confusion leads to bouts of anger – and I’m not sure at exactly who or what.

Loneliness. After 3 empty and barren years, another call to “wait” is painful. We enjoyed those years with each other, our family, and our friends. But there was still a part of me that yearned and ached for my “own” family to begin. Once our adoption process started, the loneliness lifted. But now, with a bedroom fully finished, strollers in the living room, and toys abounding, loneliness has started to creep in again. With no Isaac to sleep in his crib, no Isaac to push in a stroller on a walk, and no Isaac to scatter toys everywhere – it just seems unfair.

But I know that life isn’t about fairness, nor is it only about me and what I think is best. Life doesn’t work that way. God doesn’t work that way. I think Rick Warren says it best: “I don’t have to know why everything happens since I know God is good, He loves me, and life on earth is not the whole story.”

Despite all of the earthly reasons why we should be mad with God and at unrest with His will – we have peace. Though there are days when it seems the darkness will not lift, my heart is assured that God is always good – He is there with me in the sunlight and He is with me in the shadows – He has never failed me. He loves me, He loves Craig, and He loves Isaac. The One who created us will surely take care of us. We take comfort in the knowledge that God will allow us to meet at the right time. And as sad as today is, the day we were supposed to meet our son for the first time, I rejoice in the fact that one day I will forever get to call this child mine.